Monday, February 14, 2005

A question and a series of fortunate answers....

It was Friday and as usual was feelin kinda low....so decided to send a mail to my undergrad pals thru the groups and so began a question and a series of fortunate answers....read ahead with a cup of coffee...its kinda long.....

Shiva Arunachalam from Houston, Texas writes:

hey everyone,
just a mail out of the yellow (as arbitrary as blue), to check up on how life is for everyone. bcos for me the only questions that keepringin in my head " is this it?". for those who care to read ahead,this is gonna be one long email about a QLC ridden male's ranting about everythin worth ranting.

as i type this email, i already hear voices from ppl most likely to respond to it, and its either gonna be a sign of approval of the ideas that ull see here or utter disgust and a critical evaluation to get me back to this world. i believe ill hear these opinions voiced out if anyone actually still checks stuff here which im not sure how many of u guys do. in any case i just wanted to get this shit out of my system, bcos god knows how many synapses ive either lost or generated thinkin about it ( btw we stop renewin synapses after we're 20 , so in reality our brain has started the descent already)

ok comin back to the issue of concern here, for the first time in my life, i feel ive actually lost sight of the three things that have been instrumental in carryin me till here, my inspiration, my motive (no matter how insane it mite be, we all have a motive to do things in life.) and my vision. i could go on livin without these three things in my life, and in all probability mite end up graduating, and / or get a job and just about make it to the finish line, one amongst a million in the endless chain of graduates. i could very well tell ppl that this is a satisfactory result after the 7 yrs i spent tryin toget an expensive education ( its still a 'tryin' and not actually get it). some may think this is a justified end to the means, some may think this is more than what most of us ever expected, and some may think big shit, this is what everyone does. But now what?? Is this it?

Some may have plans for the future all checked out from the 'a's till the 'z's , some may go on to actually get these a's and z's , some may change them either bcos it was too much to ask for and it was high time they became realistic. OK fine all this given, i still wonder is this it?

have we done everythin we did till now just for the sake of a system and then become a dormant part of it till we fall off at 58? what about all the so called potential we had a couple of yrs ago to do somethin more meaningful. have we finally burnt out that we no longer try to think outside the box, or isnt the effort worth it? i know this is the time most ppl would rather choose the safe bet against the best bet bcos its ure time in the sun and mite as well rake some moolah while it shines.

but my spite isnt against the attitude of ppl, bcos eventually we all succumb to the pressures of this spineless yet powerful system, but its against the price of a pound of ure grey. do we let a redundant chain of events set the price or r we brave enuf to demand our worth?

being brave is a totally different chapter and the less said about it the better. i think what defeats us is not the loss, bcos we at least get the opportunity to be brave, what defeats us is the lack of purpose. i feel powerless at this point, i dont see any purpose in most things, and even more, feel used. Feel used by my mind which even today still sees somethin out there. But i refuse to let my mind take me there now. ive had enuf. the constant meanderin and ploughin over the years has left me feelin completely hollow. i need a purpose and i need it quick.

so as i type in this email on a friday evenin before venturin out for a quick throw of words with bhogu, i feel more lost than when i started off. and its funny when ppl say u get the answers only when u walk thru life. what about the exponential increase in questions? what and who accounts for that? where am i gonna find my motive? who is gonna give me some inspiration? how will my vision find its resurgence? or is this it?

anyone?

-shiva

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Prasanna Ballal from Arlington, Texas writes:

Shiva, well, your job search just started. we had the same feeling when we graduated from BVCOE and you guys were in US. For one torturous year, we had no hope of a good job, ask Prasky...

To answer your questions,where am i gonna find my motive? Think of all the good experiences you had so far, maybe you will find something?!?.

who is gonna give me some inspiration? well, i think you desperately need a girl...get married. how will my vision find its resurgence? Go for an eye examination. or is this it?

As far as Hindi movies go, this is just the beginning....of the end!!!

Regards,

Prasanna.

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Anjum Siddiqui from Bombay, India writes:

shiva,

i think, and u will probably concur, that these questions worry everyone. i went thru the same feeling after graduation, which still persists; the feeling of emptiness, a lack of a tangible objective....

being critical of the world is cumulative....the more you question the sanity of the mundane activities of life, the more they will seem futile; thus increasing ur list of questions....when my list started burgeoning, i began to question myself: am i above this world or a part of it?

answer to this might help u....just as it helped me the best way to conquer this increasingly nihilistic thought process, it seems, is to immerse urself in these very everyday activities...at least thats what ive concluded...i wud, for ex., look forward to my release from this project (and the subsequent allocation to another project) as an oppurtunity to learn something new rather than worry myself by pondering over what wud I achieve by adding skills to my repertoire....a salary hike...or some more of those hollow eulogies...is that it?

i wud like to hear ur thoughts on this...btw we all can write a few lines to convey their present state of affairs...after all it has been a long time since the group has witnessed any activity....

Anjum.

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Ankur Chowdhary from Bangalore writes:

Shiva

You were around when I was fighting my demons, and if u look back, they were not very different from yours... u are asking the same questions which i asked u 6 yrs ago .. am i as an individual accounting to anything ..

It was you, mangu, shrish, mukta who could understand.To me you stood at the other end of the spectrum, but I still wanted to listen to you, cos you made sense,if i agreed or disagreed isnt impt here.

There is a balance, I swung to the extremes of both sides, whether it was decadence or spiritual bliss.You have seen me walking drunk into an ed class and u have also seen me go n find myself in dharamsala.

I sold out for the time being to the real world after leaving college. It wasnt for money (which you know i dont need) but for a self validation.. To prove that I can be amongst the highest paid individuals who passed out from that sorry place .. I have seen better people fail .. Take what the world throws at you for a few years, it will either kill u or make a man out of u ..either ways i think we lost, for the idealistic worlds we dreamt of, its all bull shit, gettin screwed at work by friend n bosses is a point i wont get into right now..

Find a reason a truth that is so powerful that u can put up with whatever shit the world can come up with. I didnt have an option to fail cos for me the truth was my parents and dipali. I could never give up ..balls to vision n inspiration n motive .. keep them aside, .. so if u wanna play please leave whatever morals or higher thoughts u have now .. its every man for himself n u need to save ur own ass ..

as far as potential goes .. its bull shit .. i workedfor the big one .. only to realise i am only as dispensable as any of the other 30,000 who work for it.. if u think u have potential and are brave ... a normal job is not for u ... in this short time i have learnt that the odds are stacked against u if u plan to fight the establishment .. u ll always be as good as what ur boss thinks ur .. n as far as butt kissingoes .. i think ur pretty good at it ... i personally feel that with that one skill u can be more successful than any of us ..

lemme know ur no ... i cant find it ... will give u a buzz day after n we can talk for a while..

PS .. it doesnt feel bad being able to buy a good meal n a book that u like .. u need money for the time being .. nothin wrong in playin along for a few years ;-)

I am gonna start farming in a few years after i have some money .. u can do the same with me .. plan to grow fresh fruits n veggies without any pesticides in green houses .. organic farming .. n market them through a chain of stores .. mangu can join in for thesales part :) .. ll let u know when that happens :)...

-ankur

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RS from LA, California writes:

Shiva,

your rambling, though beautifully composed, though very relevant to my state of affairs, is hard for me to reconcile with. I am too bored of the comfort of solidarity that we often try to seek from each other and too accustomed to the feeling of insecurity and confusion. It has been with me for so many years now that I have grown immune to it. Please don’t take this to mean that I am being apathetic; but the way out of this “shit” - that I have learnt over time - is to “suck up and deal”.

I am not going to preach about how you should try to find your inspiration and how you should clarify your goals with yourself. I am quite sure you can handle that own your own. All I want to say is that if you think this is not what you set out to achieve 7 years back, you have your whole life ahead of you buddy. And that you don’t have to hate the “system” or try to rise above it or fight it to accomplish what you aspire.

All you have to do is resolve your purpose and strive for it. It might entail taking a few big risks and you may or may not achieve what youwanted, but at least you would be one satisfied man when you are 58.

When someone is in a particular setting for a long time and inspiration starts drying out it gets difficult to go on. But then that itself becomes the test – The test of how long you can sustain yourself and how creative you can get to keep yourself motivated. In the end everything boils down to your yardstick of success and what makes you happy and what keeps you satisfied.

So this is it only if you want it to be.

-RS

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Howzzat for a question and a series of fortunate answers?

-shiva

2 Comments:

Blogger AdHocQuirks said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:01 PM  
Blogger AdHocQuirks said...

TheShiva,
Very nice set of questions...where is my inspiration? my motive? my vision? i do identify with this...and btw, there is no 'male' QLC to it...every person goes thro LC as it is...quarter, mid anytime..
the only thing i have discovered so far is, there is no plan! there is no design..it is totally absurd..highly ramdomized (it occurs to each at different points in the lifetime), but totally connected (everybody goes thro the whole gamut)......and that's what makes it oh-so-enjoyable...

6:48 PM  

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