Wednesday, July 16, 2008

the chump

" So, you really are a chump", she said as we sat on the beach that Friday afternoon. I just smiled back looking at the water. A surfer was trying to catch the wind and surf ashore, but in reality there was no wind so I had no idea what he was doing out in the waters....it felt a very pleasant 78, could have been a bit lower. " Yes maybe I am, or maybe I'm just nothing. Isnt the point of it all to see everyone be happy in the end? No bitterness, no slippery slopes into despair or anguish. So how does the action of just one individual make any difference? and maybe my inaction stems from a complete paralysis of analysis, like those ESPN commentators who dont know who's side they're on"

" So do you know what you're going to do next?" she asked for the hundredth time.

" Yes, I am going to just lie here on the sand, close my eyes and dream about the ice-cream I am going to have in an hour. And if you are planning to ask me what I am going to do next, please make sure to note down my responses, some day I promise, we will have a laugh, all at my expense. For now though I have decided, inaction's the best course of action. You see, this is exactly what you would call a Prisoner's dilemma in Game theory. I know I have to make a decision that helps my situation, but if I make a wrong one, I get penalized not because I was wrong, but because I chose the exact opposite as fate would have desired. Now thats a slippery slope. I'll avoid that for now"

" And maybe the point of it all is to be inactive and focus on the little things that help me get off a slippery slope. See more, know more, learn more. Ask questions, try answering some, drive people insane, drive myself insane. Try filling the void with sand, stone, pearls, coffee, chocolates and everything else the world has to offer. Drive north, bike south, sail east, fly west. Expand the horizons till everything makes sense. Do you even sense the opportunity in all this? And yes at some point things will be clearer or maybe I will convince myself that I'm done or she may convince me that we're done. The strings that bind us to our choices must have a manual, and I'm just reading it out to see if it makes sense. Does that make me a sinner, no, does that make me less capable of holding onto the strings, obviously not. Its a manual, its not dummies guide to break free. And I'm not on a path to moksha or nirvana or anything of that other-life crisis points. I'm still dealing with my QLC, OLC is way out of my league. Its like the last two men sitting on the world series of poker, when both dont know what cards they hold, but still hope they have better cards till one realizes, hey I forgot my sandwich and he folds.

In the end it should all make sense. and when it does, I will fold. like i never had a choice.

and yes as I hear myself talk, I am a chump."

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