Monday, September 22, 2008

the long goodbye...III

...brings the short hello.


this was always going to be the end as i saw it, which actually makes me happier than ever. Knowing that something doesn't necessarily have to end, but just morph into something new is any believer's dream, we do say right, the ultimate butterfly-caterpillar truth.

" tu jayega toh phir aayega na?"..asked N the night before my flight..the others started laughing immediately. " yeh kya kargil mein ladne ja raha hai kya?" said S. True, it wasnt as dramatic as that, but there was a hidden element of truth in what N has asked me. Does it have to be the end? I mean, could I choose one over the other? or are these not even choices for me to be made.

It surprises me that Ive met people who are sure of where they want to be. Some say this is it, some say, nopes thats my only destiny. I for one, have no idea where a new day would take me. And maybe this trip opened up the frontiers of the future for me. The energy in India is tremendous, I must admit reluctantly, it is where the action is slowly moving to. A kind of lawless wild west...or just in this case the emerging east, still lawless mind you. People are in it to make their bucks, and when they are done, yes the country will be developed, we will have our new leaders and the structured economy will make it tougher to bend the rules. But thats quite a distance away, I dont think I'll be alive to see that happen in any case.

Will the country we once knew as kids change? It already has, only some places still remain the same. There is edginess to things, to break free of a billion people only to miss them later on. To come back with the bucks only to see them corrode in value. The normal westside story for all us Indians who live abroad.

the manzilein-rastein conundrum.

between getting stuck at saki naka twice for an hour each and travelling from dadar aboard a fast local, my mind began to wander, albeit more in irritation than out of choice. the humidity started piercing my soul and then it started raining.

ah, the rains.

if anything hadnt changed in was the they had too much water. i just stepped out and got drenched because id rather be drenched with water than with sweat...things move slowly here, some things dont move at all. two steps forward, three steps back...that should be the official motto of india ( and my life as well which speaks for the special bond) and then there are days where its three steps forward and one step backward. whatever be the case, its still pathetic, but what do you expect with a billion people all moving in a billion directions. yes, there is a choice of not having to be part of it or staying above the fray as some would see it.

for me its still a pending decision. im not yet ready to shut the door. there is always this small ray of hope piercing through the tiniest of spaces. maybe thats just what i need.

i heard out all my peers for the last four weeks. on how some say, if they were to leave the place they will never ever come back for sure, and how some said, if we all planned to escape then what would happen to the place?...some had issues with the fact that everyone they knew seemingly lived better lives abroad ( not knowing that the same better life actually takes its own pound of flesh from these people) all it was about the future. noone i knew talked about the past. it was all forgotten.

which is what i could see...everyone drawing their raasteins...some set in the concrete walls of their new homes, some in that far off opportunity in edmonton, alberta. the pace had quickened for sure, like time's slowly running out to make these choices and soon everyone's going to be in cruise mode, not veering right or left but just straight ahead.

what i never understood though was, what about the manzileins? Was anyone even aware of futures each of these choices hold, or was this the way life had to be lead. You make choices, and you live with the consequences.

unlike my fear of the consequences that lets me draw only one path.

which do you think makes more sense?


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